dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
