woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
