i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
