I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
