So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
