I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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