Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
