either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
