It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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