my sisters under your porch take her home
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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