I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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