thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
