Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
