Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
