Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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