I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize