Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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