That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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