I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
