I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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