New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
