i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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