He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
