If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
