I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
