He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
