it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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