Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
