where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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