did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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