he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
