between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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