Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
