but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
