I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
