kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
