Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
