Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
