Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
