It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
