I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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