Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
