I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
