I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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