I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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