Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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