How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
