I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you inspire me to be a worse person
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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