so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
