if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
