i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
