New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Less talking, more tequila
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
