Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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