Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just had sex bonerless
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Randomize
