tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
