no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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