if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
