He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
